Confession

Dear Readers,

I have a confession to make. While you have been enjoying my candles and roses and bubble bath (well, that sounds very romantic, doesn't it?), the wizard behind this curtain has been having a very hard time of it.

I wasn't trying to be all fakey or anything. Every time I found a silver lining, I just ran here (figuratively) to share it with you.

And I really am learning a lot from being sick. Thank goodness this isn't life threatening. Three-quarters of the time, I can't help laughing about how ridiculous this whole thing is.

But the rest of the time? Well, honestly, I'm having kind of a hard time doing pretty simple things. Trying to tie my shoes generally brings me to tears. Not that I need to tie them very often. Not that I have anywhere fancy to go. Heck, I could probably just show up to the doctor's every other week in my slippers if I felt like it.

I like my bed, but sometimes I feel a little trapped in it. I like my body, but now that it isn't working for me, I feel pretty trapped in that too. Sometimes I try to do things I know I can't really do right now. Sometimes I give up on doing things I know I can. Usually I'm tired. Sometimes I can't fall asleep. It's very unpredictable.

The days are stretching into weeks, and the weeks are stretching into months, apparently. I've already passed the one month mark, and walking to the kitchen and back still feels like running a marathon.

I know, this is only temporary. I've been reassured many times, by many wonderful people. But this is one of the hardest temporaries I've had to deal with so far.

The beginning was very challenging and scary and confusing. Then I settled into a kind of routine, a much, much slower pace, a quiet, still life. And now, I am stopping just to take another deep breath and just to say that the middle is kind of hard too.

This is very extremely incredibly frustrating sometimes.

There. I said it. Thank you for listening. I'm glad I got that off my chest.